Dear Self
Sa mundong ito ang swerte mo na kung may taong nagmamahal sa'yo. Yung tanggap ka ng buong buo kasama na don yung mga pagkakamali mo. Yung alam na hindi ka perpekto at naniniwalang kaya mong magbago.
Bihira lang yon. Bihira ka lang makatagpo ng katulad niya. Siguro ito na yung tamang pagkakataon na magbago ka. Ito na yung pagkakataon na itama mo na yung mga pagkakamali mo. Kasi sakabila ng lahat ng nakita niyang kaiiwan-iwan sa'yo, nanjan parin siya naniniwala na isang araw marerealize mo na worth it iwan ang mga nakasanayan mo kasi siya naman ang reward na hinding hindi mo pagsisihan.
But there are moments when the clouds wait for you to come home before they unleash the rain. There are songs that hug your ice heart back to its nourishing state. There are smiles that take you to a certain height without the danger of breaking your wings. There are words written to pick up the shards of your sharp past and nurse your wounds until they are fully healed. There are nights when the silence is louder than the voices you used to fight with. There are people who are willing to drive you to your drunkenness and wait until your hungover subsides.
So think about it. Maybe, the world isn’t as bloody as you think it is. You just have to find the right hues at the right moments, with the right individuals.
She never learned how to say goodbye. She doesn’t get the point of announcing the ending. As if it’s going to make it hurt less. So instead of uttering that word, she squeezes his hand a little tighter. She buries her head in his shoulder a little longer. As if memorizing the feeling of coming home. When he laughs, she stops her world from spinning just to listen to that sound. When he cries, she plunges into his vulnerability until they are both drenching with emotion to even function. She scorches every chapter of his story deep in her chest. She has located every star who knows his wishes. Day by day, he falls deeper in love. She never knew she set up a trap until she saw him struggling to get out.
He always anticipates the ending. When he’s inside a moment, he thinks of how long it will take before he gets out of it. When he looks at her, he wonders if she’s secretly plotting an escape. But she’s so tend er when they’re lying beside each other. She’s focused when he’s so lost in retelling his own chronicles. Her touches feel like drizzle on the first day of autumn. Her kisses are sparks on New Year’s Eve. She holds his tears with caution. She ignites his smile and spreads it for the whole town to see. Maybe, somewhere between, eternity exists. Maybe, he doesn’t need to get out of this moment. Night by night, he sleeps more peacefully. The morning came anyway.
I cried. I cried because I cannot make up my mind on what reason I’m crying to. I can’t really figure it out. I was so confused and scared and I’m in doubt.
Because I think I finally found someone who can potentially replace you. Mend all the broken pieces of me. Love me until I can love myself too. I found him and I’m freaking out if I should try because I deserve better or I should flinch it away because the scars from you are still fresh open. I’m scared because he’s making me happy the way I was before, it scares me because it means I’m finally losing you and forgetting all of what we had. It means moving away from our dreams together. It means building a life not with you but with another man. I’m scared because it means accepting the reality that it’s not really you who I should be with. That it’s not really you who I should wake up with. That’s it’s not really you who I should end up with.
He’s been through a lot. I cannot count the times I turned him down. I cannot count the times how many No’s he got as an answer. I cannot count how many times he tried. Maybe I should really give myself a chance to try because maybe he’s really the one, I’ll never know. I think I deserve to be happy too.
I am not the midnight to keep, I think I’ll leave soon
Mas mabuti na wala akong alam sa’yo. Mas mabuti na wala akong balita ni isa tungkol sa’yo. Mas okay yon. Mas makakabuti sakin yon. Mas mabuti na wala akong ka alam alam sa nangyayari sa buhay mo. Kase papatayin ko lang yung sarili ko sa kakaisip kung sinong babae na naman ang kalandian mo. Kung sinong babae na ba ang kasabay mong gumising sa umaga. Kung sinong babae na ba ang nagtulak sayo palayo sakin. Kung sinong babae na ba ang pinalit mo sa lahat ng mga pangarap na kasama ako.
Kahit sobrang miss na kita, mas okay yon. Mas okay na ganito nalang. Kase sa ganong paraan lang ako mabubuhay ulit.
When the shadows have taken over and the streets are desolated, you lurk around. Creeping through the edges of my engrossed mind. Crawling to my sheets, stealing caresses to my hungry skin. Inhabiting the walls and lingering through the cracks. Penetrating the realms of my dreams, sending memories from a distant life. It’s you but you never let me see your face.
You haunt me with your existence. Your enigmatic specter shakes me from my mundanity. Pulling me to the mystery you never explained. Taking me to a non-existent reality. Tempting me with the allure of an alternate ending. Your immortal seduction is unwavering. Red is already over the place. Everything is gushing endlessly.
Soon enough, I’ll meet you there.
I badly want to talk about you but everyone around me seems like they don’t want to listen, so I’ll write it instead. It’s been three years and still, everything never felt so real. There was no day that I forget about you, like your name is the only word I hear and it keeps on reminding me that you’re still here even if you’re not. I keep on waiting and I keep on hoping that you’ll be back just like what you promised me but it’s been three years and there’s no you.
I am confused, I am hurt and I am here but ain’t feeling anything because I guess, you took every feelings that was left within me when you just suddenly vanished without my notice. And you know what? You were like a tornado, you just violently came along without me knowing when you’ll be gone. And now, you’re already gone, you’re gone and I was left wondering where you are right now. They keep on telling me that you’re already g one for good, but hey, you should’ve made me feel your presence and I swear that I will never cry or shout once you did.
I am just missing you so bad and I don’t know what to do because I really want to see you and believe me or not, there was no day that I never wish to feel or see you. But still, I don’t know what to believe in, and so I keep on telling myself that you’re still here and we’re still breathing the same air and living under the same sky even if other people says otherwise .
I wanted to hug you like what you told me to do when you come back and I am still waiting for that moment to happen. Because I’ll keep on waiting until I see you again even if it’s impossible to happen and even if it hurts, so bad.